::Trusting Outside of Ourselves::


It had been a few years since I first realized that I needed to make a radical shift in my life and move out of Chicago, but I did nothing about it.  I contemplated where I should live once I left- Portland? LA? Austin? Seattle? Yet nothing felt right, so I stayed put.

While I knew in my heart it was entirely time for me to move on, I was unable to wrap my head around leaving without having a solid place in mind to firmly root and ground myself.  No matter how hard I thought about it, however, no city, in particular, called me. 

Worse, most of my friends planted firmly and contentedly in one city or another, unlike me, which left me feeling as though I was not keeping up. Part of me was freaking out. 

Because my heart would not leave me alone, I decided to just travel from September through December and then relocate to Los Angeles in January. I wasn’t sold on this idea because it didn’t feel right in my heart, but my brain insisted I have a plan, and this was the best I could come up with, and still follow my heart. 

Off I went on my adventure, which was beautiful, but in the back of my mind, I kept telling myself that I needed my forever home, like yesterday. 

My travels took me to London to be near my sister, whom I loved being near, yet I couldn’t settle there because that required a visa, which I didn’t have.  So the temporariness continued. 

In spite of my head-induced anxiety, I loved my travels and my time with my sister, and I loved living in my tiny, simple, temporary, London apartment. And while it was only temporary, I loved the life I was living.

However, a big part of my brain just wouldn’t let me relax because I had not figured a thing out, so my internal battle raged on.

One day, as I was talking to my sister (who is endlessly reassuring and supportive,)  about this battle between my head and my heart, it hit me. The struggle existed because I didn’t trust the Universe. I didn't believe that my life would work out. I didn’t believe that my Higher Self was navigating my life flawlessly and that I didn’t need to be in the driver’s seat.  I didn’t trust everything would be OK, and this was what was making me miserable. Even if I was following my heart as I was, my head was ruining all the fun.

My head insisted, over and over again, that I needed to figure out where I belonged and get there fast, and until I did I was wasting time and at risk of missing my real life. 

My logical brain tried to convince me that there was no way I had enough time, as a traveler, to deeply connect with people, to date, to get to know the city, which is what I truly yearned for.

 I was not rooted, and that I would be lonely and alone because of it. 

My heart, on the other hand, pushed back. In my heart, I was content to be on the move, having this grand temporary adventure, and I was learning so much along the way that made my life so much more vibrant. I wanted to travel, to see all the corners of the world, to taste, see, explore and play like I was doing, and I loved it. 

My intellect was so fearful--of being left behind, of not making the ‘right’ decision, of being unable to figure it all out that it refused to believe that anything good was happening now, or would be OK, or was OK all along.

Once I recognized this lack of trust for what it was, fear, I studied it.

It felt like a sharp edge of resistance against my heart and the Universe.  I also noticed how this edge cut me off from the flow of life, and of goodness. It choked off my intuition, and tuned out my higher self and my guides, and left me feeling unsafe. 

If knew if I didn’t ease this edge and reconnect with my heart, (even if it didn’t make sense to my head,) then I would remain trapped in misery and never be at peace.  That didn’t mean I had to leap off the bridge into the void, but it did mean that I had to look at this internal hard edge, and soften.  

The edge told me I wasn’t safe. That free-falling would leave me bruised and battered.

But, my heart held a different vibration. When I connect to my heart space, I allowed myself to trust in something bigger than I.

My edge didn’t like it but my body relaxed.  I trusted God and the Universe to hold me, instead of my head that always was looking for the right way.  I realized that I had been in the flow all along and that I was trying to swim upstream instead of allowing myself to float along and enjoy the view. My new practice is trust and reminding myself that it is safe to trust.  

My new practice constitutes a lot of prayer – it asks for help and to allow myself to feel helped. 

Often, when working with clients, they, too, have shared how they have had trouble trusting the Universe.  I know what they mean.  We humans can all feel as though we are in it alone at times. Anyone of us can get trapped in our head, trying to figure it out. We can all secretly tell ourselves that instead of fully letting go and trusting our hearts, we need to keep one finger on the steering wheel of control, lest we veer “off course,” and be miserable because of this.  We all come up against the sharp edge of resistance at times. 

The beautiful thing, however,  is that once we notice we are resistant to our heart, we can ease up, and when we do, we immediately create more internal space and room to breathe. I know it did with me.

We can soften this edge by genuinely listening to, instead of fighting with our heart. 

When I stopped resisting my heart and chose to trust my feelings over my fears, space immediately opened-up inside and I reconnected with my intuition and the support of the Universe and God.

My head, which was my fear, became quiet.

I was once again able to connect to my loving Spirit and discovered that I didn’t have to have it all figured out after all.  I felt held by the Universe and supported by my guides, which unburdened me and I relaxed.

I suddenly knew everything was Ok now and was going to be OK in the future, even if my brain didn’t know how. I believe this is the same for us all.

 Ask yourself if you are feeling a sharp internal edge, cutting you off from your Spirit,  as I did? How do you manage that edge? Are you critical? Do you tell yourself that you should have figured it out by now as I did? Do you stress out over it? 

Just noticing the edge softens it, and reconnects you to Spirit. 

When we reconnect with our Spirit and our intuition, we immediately start to create internal space in place of the edge. It’s easy to do. Just breathe and let go. 

Often, we don’t realize or don’t remember, that the connection to our Spirit is one breath away.  I forgot. We all do.  It only takes a breath to remember.

Since then, when my mind feels the edge, I put one hand on my heart and the other on my belly, and imagine my Spirit sending me grounded love. I reassure myself, saying aloud, “It’s all going to be okay.” 

Sonia TullyComment